An horrendous crash of thunder jerks me out of a sound, and relatively dreamless, sleep. I sit up in bed, heart thudding in my chest, and reach over to Tina. My hand finds only a warm depression in the mattress.
Just then there is another crash of thunder, followed almost immediately by a flash of lightning that illuminates the entire bedroom. In the scant second the room is lit, my eyes take in the half empty bed and open bedroom door. Looks like the storm woke my honey too. Tossing the covers aside, I climb out of bed and make way to the doorway, hand reaching out in the darkness for the light switch.
*click* Nothing happens. *click…click* I toggle the switch. The bedroom stubbornly remains dark. Sighing, I pad back over to the bedside table and fumble in the drawer for a flashlight. For some reason the darkness seems to dictate I call out for my inamorata in a whisper…
“Honey… where are you…?” No reply. I move toward the hallway… “Honey… Tina…” The whisper is a little louder this time. Still no answer.
With the last echoes of thunder only a memory, silence has returned to the condo, a silence somehow made even deeper by the almost impenetrable darkness. Making my way to the kitchen… ” Tina… where are you?”... still nothing. I move through the rooms toward the balcony. This would not be the first time I found my honey out on the balcony in the middle of a thunderstorm.
Pushing the drapes aside, I see only the table and chairs. Ignoring the voice of my over-active imagination hinting at something nefarious, I head back to the kitchen for a drink before returning to bed. Obviously, setting aside the notion of a madman entering the condo and kidnapping my wife, Tina was in the bathroom and I just missed her.
Thirst quenched, I head back to bed… and run smack into….
Me: EeeeeK! *heart goes into overdrive*
Tina: *calm as ever* Oh, there you are.
Me: Fuck! You scared the…
Tina: Sorry… *she doesn’t sound sorry*
Me: Yeah, well… you almost gave me a heart attack.
In the gloom of the kitchen, I can’t see Tina’s face, but I swear… I can hear the click as her eyes roll back in her head.
Tina: Sorry, baby girl, I… oh, I just stepped in something wet… did you spill water?
Me: *hesitates* Ummm… no…
Tina: Well, what’s on the floor?
Me: Ummm… *I feel my face grow warm* I might have had a little acci…
Tina: Veronica! That’s gross!
Me: Hey! You scared me!
Tina: Yeah… yeah… yeah… just clean it up, okay.
Me: Alright, already… I’ll get it…just hold your water…
Tina: * unmistakable whiff of snark* Unlike some people we know….
I’d give her my patented glare, but in the darkened room the look would be wasted. Stepping around Tina, my right arm reaches out as I walk by and my open palm leaves its mark on her well-shaped bum.
Me: Damn ghosts!
I wisely exit stage left.
Tina: * calling after me* You are so going to get it, missy!!
Unsurprisingly, the thought of “getting it” makes me a little wet.
Either that or I just peed my panties again.
~ finis ~
Veronica Marie Lewis-Shaw
27 August 2013
(Writing under a large mushroom, somewhere in the Pacific Northwest)